Rather, I will take you on a walk down the windy, and emotional road we travelled in order to earn our titles as Mom and Dad.
Chris and I were married April 29th of 2011 (for the record, we picked that date well before Kate Middleton and Prince William...)
I was officially bitten by the "baby bug" the fall/winter of 2012. A very close friend of ours announced her pregnancy in October and it confirmed any feelings I had towards the notion - I wanted to have a baby. Chris and I had discussed the idea of children many times during our relationship and were on the same page; we both wanted kids (probably 2, although Chris really wants one of each). When I announced that I was ready to start a family, Chris was thrilled, and we agreed that I would discontinue my birth control my next cycle.
During this period in our lives we were living in Creston, BC, and I (a Registered Animal Health Technician) had resigned from my full time position at a veterinary clinic in town that summer. I was doing some locum work around the province (essentially "substituting" at clinics) and was about to head down to the lower mainland to work at an Emergency/Specialty center in Langley, BC. We figured this worked well, as it would take some time for my body to completely rid itself of the hormones from my birth control pills.
Well, let me tell you a little bit about the 'baby bug,' if you've never experienced it before. When it truly bites you, it bites hard! Everywhere I went, I saw pregnant bellies and newborn babies. "Baby on board" stickers on the car in front of me in the Tim Horton's drive-through, strollers on the sidewalks. It was all I could see, as if I was blind to the rest of the world around me.
My locum lasted until the end of December that year, and I was beyond ready to get home to my husband, my dog, our home, and the prospect of commencing the "baby making stage."
Since I can remember, my parents had lectured and cautioned me about sex and the consequences of it; STD's and unplanned pregnancies. If not from Mom and Dad, then from teachers at school during sexual education talks. It was made out as though looking at a man, God forbid thinking about 'what lies beneath,' could cause me to become pregnant.
With this knowledge tucked safely in the back of my mind, I was quite confident that it would not be long before Chris and I were able to announce our pregnancy to family and friends. I ordered pregnancy books online: "What to Expect Before your Expecting", "What to expect when you're expecting", and even a "Dummies Guide to Pregnancy" for Chris. We were both very excited and dove into the literature with hunger.
On birth control, my cycle was very regular, with mother nature granting me my special little gift that we call our periods every 28 days. Expecting this trend to continue, as I neared the end of my cycle that January, I was excited. Day 28 came and went with still nothing. I looked into every little twitch or twinge from my body, eagerly searching the internet to see if perhaps it was an early sign of pregnancy. This continued on for another 10 days, and a few negative pregnancy tests later, Aunt Flo finally came.
After 2 months of an irregular cycle and disappointment every time Aunt Flo showed up, I finally approached my pregnant friend and asked her for her advice. Having had trouble conceiving herself, she introduced me to the concept of basal temperature charting.
Here's a quick summary of how it works: I purchased a special thermometer that can sense the slightest change in your temperature, making it more accurate than regular thermometers. . Each morning, at the same time (I set my alarm for this) I was to take my temperature and record it. It is very important that taking my temperature was the first thing I did in the morning; before getting out of bed, drinking, peeing, etc. I would record my temperature on a chart every morning to monitor the trend of my temperature. Prior to ovulation, your basal temperature will drop slightly, before jumping up a tenth to half degree once you have ovulated. Your temperature would then remain high, until Aunt Flo arrived, which would result in it dropping back down again. The beauty of monitoring your basal temperature is that:
a) you can better pinpoint when you ovulate
b) it can be the first indicator of pregnancy (if your temperature remains 'high' after ovulation for over 18 days, you are most likely pregnant).
So I charted my temperature for about 2 months. The second month day 18 of high temperatures came and went, with no action. Holding my breath I purchased a home pregnancy test and brought it home. I followed the instructions and waited until the morning to pee on this little stick that could change my life forever. After waiting the allotted amount of time (while pacing the hallways and refusing to look at the stick, thinking I might jinx it) I peered down to see a faint + sign on the stick. Although I was already well aware what that meant, I read through the instruction manual to ensure that indeed + meant positive, which meant I was pregnant!
I texted Chris at work telling him that I was pretty sure I was pregnant. He rushed home instantly to check for himself and confirmed that yes, that was a +, and yes, we were pregnant! I was in shock at that point, and really didn't want to believe that our hard work had finally paid off. I purchased a digital pregnancy test later that day and took it that afternoon, and it gave me a big "yes" quite quickly. That was all the confirmation I needed. I called my doctor's office to make an appointment to have my pregnancy confirmed there, and to get started on the prenatal blood work.
A week later Chris and I were sitting in my doctor's office waiting to talk to my doctor. I had already provided the nurse with a urine sample that they would use to confirm my pregnancy and I was anxiously waiting the results (Chris looked pretty calm and collected to me.)
The doctor came in and asked how she could help me today. I was confused, and answered "Well, I am pretty sure I'm pregnant." She hummed and looked down at my urinalysis results.
"Well, according to this it's a negative for the pregnancy hormone. What makes you think you are pregnant?"
My heart was in the heels of my feet within a second, and I felt fuzzy, like I had entered into some sort of sick dream. I explained to her that I had taken 2 home pregnancy tests and both had come back positive.
"Well, those tests are pretty accurate. Perhaps your urine just wasn't concentrated enough. I am going to send you to get your blood HCG levels checked to confirm for sure."
With that, she whisked a stunned me and a still relatively nonchalant Chris out the door with a lab requisition.
I went to the lab immediately to get my blood work done. The phlebotomist first said she would unable to do the prenatal screening as it was sent out to Calgary and because it was a Friday this would not work. My face must have portrayed utter devastation as she quickly retracted and said she could run the HCG levels in house and we would just have to get the screen done at a later time; this I could handle. I was due to head up to Fort St John to start another 3 weeks locum that Saturday, and the thought of making that journey and not knowing if I was or was not pregnant, was unbearable.
The nurse called me later that afternoon to tell me that my HCG test came back as a positive and yes I was pregnant. I felt incredibly relieved and pretty silly, as on my way home from the hospital I had stopped at the grocery store to pick up every brand of pregnancy test I could find and a tub of ice cream. I proceeded to use every pregnancy test (they all came back positive) and polished off the majority of the ice cream before my horrific gut ache kicked in.
I headed up to Fort St John that Saturday as planned, arriving Sunday afternoon. I was staying with my college roommate and her husband, as I did my previous few locums up there. I started work bright and early on Monday, and had informed my boss of my pregnancy before leaving home. In my line of work, where I am surrounded by anesthetic drugs and gases, and am required to perform radiographs, pregnancy is not something you can safely keep a secret, due to its limitations.
I informed the rest of the staff of my current 'situation' that morning so that everyone was in 'the know' and after many cheers and hugs, carried on with an extremely busy first day back.
That evening I noticed that I was having some light spotting. I looked into it, and apparently this was quite normal in early pregnancy, and not to be worried unless it was bright red or heavy bleeding. By Tuesday morning the bleeding was quite red, and I thought I would go to the walk-in just to be sure. The doctor came in and took my history and then took my vital signs and palpated my abdomen, asking if I felt any pain or discomfort, to which I replied no. He then told me that he was concerned that I was threatening a miscarriage. He told me that we needed to check my HCG blood levels today and again in 2 days to see if they were increasing or dropping, and told me I was to be on strict bed rest until we knew what was going on.
The next couple of days were an absolute blur. I called my boss to inform her of what was going on and she sent her wishes and told me to take the time I needed. It really hit me when I called Chris to tell him what the doctor had said. The panic started to set in, and I just knew that I was losing this baby. Chris encouraged me to remain positive, that this could be normal, and not to jump to conclusions until we got the blood work back. I headed back to my girlfriend's house and burst into tears as I told her what was going on. She was incredibly supportive, and tucked me onto the couch with a full season of "The O.C." re-runs and snacks to keep me comfortable. As the hours dragged on my heart sank lower and lower and the tears flowed more freely. I had lost all hope and was struggling to maintain my composure. I developed a severe headache that forced me towards the Tylenol that evening, and Chris decided he needed to fly up to be with me. He arrived the morning before my doctors appointment and we went hand and hand to receive the verdict. I started to cry the second we sat down in the room. Our doctor entered the room, lead by her hugely pregnant belly, and I bitterly cursed whoever was punishing me further by rubbing it in my face. She gave me the news that I knew was coming, my levels were dropping and were not high enough for a healthy pregnancy. I had lost the baby.
I can't even begin to describe the fear and devastation I felt during those few days. Something that I so badly wanted had been ripped from my very grasp in the matter of hours, and I didn't understand why. What had I done to deserve such a tragedy? I was a good person, and think I would have been a really good mother. Thinking of the little life that had been inside of me for such a brief period of time was enough to bring me to my knees with grief.
We decided it was best for me to go home and not continue my locum. I spent the entire ride home thinking of what could have been, wondering why, and crying myself dry of any more tears.
The next few weeks were trying at best, as I struggled through each day trying to find answers and purpose.
We had been trying for a baby for about 6 months when I decided to try acupuncture. In Kimberley, BC, about two hours from Creston, there was an acupuncturist with a previous background in fertility medicine. I was definitely skeptical of the alternative medicine, and wasn't sure what to think of acupuncture. At this point, however, I would do anything.
After my initial assessment (which included thorough examination of my posture and my tongue - quite odd, I know) the acupuncturist informed me that he suspected I had inadequate or 'impure' blood flow to my uterus. He explained how he came to this conclusion, but it was all over my head. He also said that, essentially, I had become my own worst enemy. I was constantly triggering my parasympathetic nervous system (fight or flight response) due to my hunched posture (the minute I would straighten up my body would immediately think "stranger danger" and go into panic mode) and my inability to sleep properly (I would have vivid dreams and remember most details upon waking, which indicated that I would leave part of my 'ying/yang' in my dream state, leaving me 'incomplete' during my waking hours) and inability to shut off my brain (a.k.a I'm a basket case).
Thus I began my monthly treks to receive my acupuncture treatments. I instantly noticed improvement in my overall demeanour. I was calmer, and was able to sleep more soundly at night, noticing a reduction in my dreams and finding that I was unable to recollect any details from them upon waking. As per my acupuncturists recommendation, I started daily yoga practice, to help with my posture and to help me relax and breathe. At my second appointment, he noticed a huge improvement already, and urged me to carry on.
After 9 months of trying to conceive, my Doctor ordered some more blood work, to check my thyroid function and clotting factors. After 11 months she referred me to a fertility specialist in Cranbrook, BC. When we finally got in for an appointment with the OBGYN, we were on month 12 of our baby making journey. Discouraged? You bet.
The Doctor gave us the typical lecture, that 12 months was a pretty standard amount of time to try for a baby with no results. He was not concerned about the previous miscarriage, as this was also relatively common. He did, however, understand that I was losing hope and needed to do something to try and make this work, so he sent a request for an abdominal ultrasound, to check my reproductive system, and wrote a prescription for a drug that induces ovulation. I was to get blood work on day 3 of my next cycle to check my hormone levels, and would then start taking the medication for 7 days. He also told me that I was not to take a pregnancy test until I was 10 days late, if I were to find myself in that situation. With renewed hope, I was almost willing Aunt Flo to arrive so that we could get started on this new treatment.
We headed down to Vancouver Island shortly after this appointment to spend some time at my Grandparents condo and celebrate Chris's 29th birthday. Day 18 of high temperatures came and went, and at 5 days late, I could wait no longer. The morning of day 6 past my 'due date' I took a pregnancy test. And lone behold, it was positive. Half groggy from sleep, I walked out of the bathroom and shoved the stick in Chris's face.
"I knew it!" He exclaimed, and after a brief celebratory huge, we crawled back into bed for a few more hours of blissful sleep.
This time, it was different. For one, my boobs were massive. I finally was able to experience cleavage, and I loved it! Every shirt looks better when you have round, perky breasts to fill them out! To say Chris was overjoyed with this new development is an understatement, but (as previously mentioned) the 'twins' were in no way coming out to play; they were wayyyyy too sore.
Within two days of the positive pregnancy test, I developed morning sickness. Not chronic vomiting morning sickness, nor even just 'morning' sickness, rather a mild to moderate nausea that plagued me all day long. I was also zapped of all of my energy stores. Walking my dogs in the morning was a chore, and I would generally have to stop 5 minutes in to pant and catch my breath. I was starving, but unable to eat much of anything. As miserable as I was during this stage of pregnancy, I was also thrilled; these symptoms could only mean that the pregnancy was going well and that the embryo was healthy.
Blood work and urine confirmed my pregnancy, and at 8 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound, to date the pregnancy. Seeing my little baby on that TV screen was life changing. A little blip on the monitor, it squirmed and wiggled the entire time. Tears welled in my eyes as I watched this little miracle on the screen; the nurse assuring me that the baby looked healthy.
So, as you can guess, the pregnancy proceeded as it should, and we now have this beautiful gift that we call Brooklyn.
So, what worked in the end? What convinced my body that it was ready to carry a child? Acupuncture? Yoga? Temperature charting? Who's to say.
My advice to those of you out there trying: as challenging as it is (and as obvious as it sounds), try to take the stress out of the process. Stress only weakens the body, and during a time where you are encouraging your body to take on the task of it's lifetime, it's not warranted. Be healthy, exercise, eat well, and be patient.
Good things come to those who wait, and I can testify that it is so worth the wait.
Happy Baby Making :)
No comments:
Post a Comment